When all is said and done, when I’m off the plane and back in my American bedroom, when in five years I look back on the experience of a lifetime, I want to remember. I want to remember how I felt in every moment of the journey I am about to take.  

To me, this trip comes in phases. Phase three is boarding an airplane without my parents next to me for the first time, the fear of the unknown clutching at my chest but the excitement that comes from it as well. As this is still yet to come, this would place me in phase two right now- “The Waiting and Pondering.” Having already passed Phase one (“The Acceptance and the Excitement”) I am now in the process of packing my bags and wondering what it will be like to be completely alone from my family and friends for two months on a foreign continent. I go from excited to terrified and back to excited and terrified in seconds. Because of this, I find myself stressing over the smallest things. For instance, instead of stressing over clothing or my phone, I begin to religiously search for a water bottle. Yes, a water bottle. Did I want an insulated water bottle to keep my drinks cool in the hot desert sun, even though it was heavier? Or did I want one that was lighter but would not keep my water cool, leaving me with the horrific image in my mind of drinking lukewarm water on a hot day. I spent a week researching and comparing and going back and forth trying to make a decision that would obviously make or break the entire trip for me. That is kind of where my head has been recently. I still haven’t fully processed the fact that I’m leaving. I don’t think it’s going to hit me until I get on the plane. Planes are weird enough (I always feel like I’m in a sort of limbo when I fly- I get all disoriented and I can never sleep) so coming to the realization of what’s happening will probably cause some sort of extreme confusion paired with some crying in the bathroom.

However, I am extremely honored to have been selected to go on this trip. I don’t think I could ever fully express my gratitude in words to all the people who have led me to this unparalleled opportunity. I truly understand how lucky I am to be able to go on this journey. As for what I want to take away from this experience, I wasn’t quite sure. Once I began to write how I feel in a journal given to me by a friend as a going away present, a realization dawned on me. I want to leave Israel feeling like an Israeli. It’s as simple as that. It’s true that I have a lot of Israeli blood in me, but I have never really felt like one, especially because my family doesn’t act very Israeli and I don’t look like an Israeli either. It’s hard when you have mixed blood to really feel like you belong. Sometimes I think I know- other times I’m not so sure. I think it’s because I don’t look like any particular ethnicity. I just look like me. If I’m being honest, the thing I want most from this trip is to feel connected. 

I do have some fears about going away, but not the fears you would expect from a young person traveling to the Middle East. I’m not scared about an attack happening on Israeli while I’m there or being away from my parents. I’m not afraid of being pushed outside my comfort zone (in fact, I rather enjoy it).  What I am really afraid of is getting homesick and receiving a culture shock when I get to Israel, which is silly as I have never been homesick, and I have already traveled to Israel. I think I’m afraid of not fitting in and being seen as a “Typical Tourist” because I barely speak Hebrew and I don’t look like them. It’s weird because I both feel like I do and don’t when I’m in both Israel and America. 

Again, I find myself stuck in the middle of two cultures not knowing how to fit in to either and where I stand. I just keep telling myself “This is your land. These are your people. You belong wherever they are.” I am excited to return to the Holy Land and see it through new and more mature eyes. I can’t wait to begin this exciting journey.